Ben Richards: "The Running Man"

Actor:            Arnold Schwarzenegger
Year:             1987
Beard Type:   Prisoner Beard

Once upon a time, Stephen King got really famous and did a bunch of cocaine. As a result, he started writing under the name Richard Bachman to see if he could become twice as famous. From amidst the snow arose books about people walking (The Long Walk) and people running (The Running Man), the latter of which spawned a movie version starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as Ben Richards. As you may have guessed, Ben Richards is a man that runs.

The year is 2017, and a dystopian and totalitarianism America is being censored of all cultural activity. Ben Richards is a police helicopter pilot who refuses orders to fire on innocent civilians. As a result, his fellow officers shoot them anyway and frame the beard-less Richards for the attack. Eighteen months later, we see Richards in Wilshire Detention Zone with a Prisoner Beard. After escaping prison, Ben "The Butcher of Bakersfield" Richards is captured and taken straight to ICS studios.

ICS pacifies society's insatiable appetite for violent entertainment by broadcasting shows like Climbing for Dollars and The Running Man. In The Running Man, regular "stalkers" are pitted against "runners," who are essentially prisoners brought onto the show by government contracts so they may ultimately survive and earn a pardon. The show is hosted by Damon Killian, played by real-life game show host and serial kisser Richard Dawson.

In essence, Ben Richards must murder people on reality television to prove to America that he is not a murderer. It's a situation we all must face on a daily basis.

Ben Richards' Prisoner Beard wasn't grown so he could lift steel I-beams over his shoulder. It was grown after feeling betrayed by his fellow police officers. After being arrested, Richards decided he no longer wanted to conform to the no-beard policies employed by his former police force. A moustache was as far as he could stretch it, based on his prior file photo shown on the news.

Much like Harrison Ford's character Richard Kimble in The Fugitive (yeah, I'll get to that one), Ben Richards escapes from prison and shaves off his Prison Beard the first chance he gets. Not only does it make him less recognizable, but it also represents freedom -- the emergence of a new man as if he is sprung forth from a beard cocoon.

Here is a bonus Prisoner Beard connection: Harrison Ford played a bearded Richard Kimble in The Fugitive. Arnold Schwarzenegger played a bearded Ben Richards in a movie based off a Richard Bachman book, and he later starred as Detective John Kimble in Kindergarten Cop. You're welcome.

Blind Panhandler: "M"

 

Actor:            Georg John

Year:             1931

Beard Type:   Blind Beard

Director Fritz Lang's first talkie, M, also so happens to be the first serial killer movie of the post-silent era; Hitchcock's silent-era The Lodger (1927) is considered to be the very first. Lang's picture focuses on child-killer Hans Beckert and the investigations leading to his eventual capture. With the entire town looking for a haunting child-killer, nobody would expect that the person to crack the case would be a blind man. But this is no ordinary blind man. This blind man has a beard.

That's right. The first serial killer in post-silent era film was caught by a man with a beard. 

Near the beginning of the film, the audience is introduced to Hans Beckert as he initiates his abduction of young Elsie Beckmann. Along the way, Beckert purchases a balloon for Elsie from a blind panhandler while whistling "In the Hall of the Mountain King." Later, Elsie is declared missing, and Beckert sends a letter to the press expressing his intent to kill again. The Berlin police force and even the underground syndicate of petty criminals exhaust their resources to find Beckert, but no one can find a reliable lead. An unlikely hero in the form of a bearded, blind balloon salesman later recognizes Beckert's characteristic whistling of "In the Hall of the Mountain King" and puts two and two together (for you pun-lovers, he puts tune and tune together). This discovery allowed one of the town beggars to find Beckert and slap a chalked "M" (for Mörder) on the back of his coat so that he could be spotted in public.

People will tell you that when you go blind, you experience an increased ability in your other senses. Those people are wrong. Only those who grow a beard in the absence of sight may gain such power. Had the blind panhandler dropped two bits on a shave and a haircut that morning, he would not have retained his fine-tuned recognition of Beckert's characteristic whistling.

Moral of the story: Never trust eyewitness testimony. Trust in the beard.

Max Daniels: "A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors"

Actor:           Laurence "Larry" Fishburne
Year:            1987
Beard Type:  Orderly Beard, Exposition Beard

Beards are a rarity in the Nightmare on Elm Street universe, but leave it to Larry "My-Name-Isn't-Laurence-Yet" Fishburne to show these clean-shaven clowns at Westin Hills Hospital how it's done.

As a simple orderly at Westin Hills, Max's presence may seem like a throwaway role for a man who starred in Apocalypse Now eight years prior. However, Max and his Orderly Beard offer a variety of services:

1. Theories on the increase of patient suicides (fucked up chromosomes due to acid consumption by hippie parents)
2. Philosophies on life (sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll keeps us alive)
3. Awesome patient nicknames (i.e. Roland "Cool Breeze" Kincaid)

Max's beard also doubles as an Exposition Beard as he introduces Nancy Thompson and, in turn, the audience to each Dream Warrior individually. As we tour the hospital at the beginning of the film, Max offers useful background information on each main character. Through the filter of the Exposition Beard he's basically telling the audience: "This is what each kid is going to use when they fight Freddy later." 

By nature, Max's Orderly Beard allows him to follow hospital protocols to ensure the safety of his kids, but he is unfortunately prone to letting the kids break the rules. Case in point: Jennifer Caulfield. When Jennifer is caught watching TV after hours, Max exclaims she watches "too much damn TV" and should read a book instead. Jennifer pleads to Max that she needs to stay up due to the horrific death of fellow Dream Warrior Phillip. Max bends. You can see the conflict in his beard. He lets her watch TV, which results in the greatest one-liner in the entire franchise:



The power of Max's Orderly Beard in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors is clear. The survival rate of black characters in horror films is astonishingly low due to the Hollywood standards of casting urban white kids in leading roles and black kids in supporting roles in which -- let's face it -- you're more likely to die. Roland Kincaid and Max Daniels are the only two black characters in A Nightmare on Elm Street 3, but only one has a beard. You want to guess which one ultimately survives*? That's right. Max Daniels. That's the power of the beard, folks.


*Roland Kincaid is killed in the following film. Max lives on in obscurity.

Ron Burgundy: "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy"

Actor:           Will Ferrell
Year:            2004
Beard Type:  Depression Beard

As the subtitle suggests, Anchorman chronicles the career and local celebrity status of Ron Burgundy, anchorman for KVWN Channel 4 News Team. Burgundy, an egotistical dimwit with a charismatic moustache, soon finds himself head-over-heels for Veronica Corningstone, the new KVWN reporter who is determined to become the nation's first female news anchor. Anchorman is one of those films which may initially come across as stupid. However, appreciation for Anchorman, much like a beard, grows over time.

Deep down, Ron Burgundy always wanted a beard. He eluded to this desire throughout the film by quoting exclamations like "By the beard of Zeus!" and mentioning Blackbeard's Delight cologne. However, he settled for the moustache in order to conform to the standards of the time and increase his popularity. This moustache/fame correlation of the 1970s is a fallacy also known by the Latin phrase cum Burt Reynolds ergo propter Burt Reynolds.

The Depression Beard, by nature, is grown at a low point in one's life. It is usually coupled with erratic behavior, alcoholic binges, and uncleanliness. Often times, the Depression Beard needs a catalyst in order to grow. Burgundy's catalyst was a burrito (Figure 1).

The progression of Burgundy's Depression Beard began as he traveled via automobile with his beloved dog Baxter while eating a burrito. Burgundy comes to the realization that said burrito is delicious, yet filling, and he throws it out the window into the face of an unsuspecting motorcyclist (Jack Black), which ultimately "thrashes the chopper." Out of anger, the motorcyclist dropkicks Burgundy's dog Baxter off the bridge and into the river. The motorcyclist, coincidentally, had a beard. One beard creates another.

The loss of his dog triggers the loss of his girlfriend and his job, otherwise known as the trifecta of loss in the country music genre. Only after so much loss can the seed of the Depression Beard truly blossom. We see the beard in multiple stages of progression: getting prank calls from a presumed Wilt Chamberlain, eating cat poop for steak, and making poor life choices by drinking milk when it's so damn hot. Burgundy bottoms out at a dive bar while Danny Trejo gives him life lessons.

Ultimately, Burgundy gets called to report on a panda birth at a zoo since Corningstone is busy being cornered by Kodiak bears (thanks for that foreshadowing, Brick). The Depression Beard is instantaneously shed in the dive bar restroom, allowing Burgundy to regain his legendary big-deal persona.

Ironically, the power of Ron Burgundy's beard emerged in its absence.

Billy Mitchell: "The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters"

Actor:           Billy Mitchell
Year:            2007
Beard Type:  Villain Beard, Business Beard

Billy Mitchell is the Lord Retro Gaming Christ sent from the Grid to absolve programmers of their false algorithms. He has a legion of disciples that believe he is the model of perfection from which all sentient beings should gather inspiration. They equate Mitchell's lifestyle to the teachings of the Christian Bible. Those gamers who oppose Mitchell's "Master Plan" are considered unfaithful and must be cast out as heathens to forever achieve untrustworthy scores on fraudulent motherboards. 

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters documents the intense duel between Billy Mitchell and Steve Wiebe, a science teacher from Washington who is down on his luck and uses Donkey Kong to rebuild his self-confidence. Wiebe must hammer randomized barrels and dodge relentless fireballs to break Billy Mitchell's Donkey Kong world record before reaching the kill screen.

Mitchell uses the power of the Villain Beard to defy his own teachings of live gameplay records in order to retain his immortality. Once he realizes that Wiebe broke the record at Funspot to a live audience, Mitchell submits a fuzzy 2nd-generation VHS tape of his own 1,000,000+ score to stay on top. Mitchell's beard also doubles as a well-groomed Business Beard so that he may create the perfect hot sauce. Essentially, Mitchell just wants you to see his face while you are grunting on the toilet.

The defining moment of The King of Kong occurs when Wiebe admits that it's "not even about Donkey Kong anymore." It was about not giving an honest man a fair chance. Wiebe learned the hard way that life was unfair through losing his job right after he and his family signed the papers for a new house. To boost his morale, Wiebe uses the Donkey Kong record as something to strive for. To most, a video game high score is worthless. To Wiebe, it meant everything.

Wiebe found out just how unfair the gaming community could be, much like life in general. While Mitchell could get away with anything simply by oozing his beard-infused charisma upon his buddies, Wiebe had to prove his worth time and time again in front of a live audience before he could be considered a true contender and a peer. Ultimately, Wiebe walked away at the end of the documentary as the Donkey Kong world record holder. He showed the world that the man from which this Villain Beard grew was just as imperfect as the rest of us.

Let's not undermine the gaming accomplishments of Billy Mitchell. The dude perfected Pac-Man. Every pellet, every ghost. But he's still a dick with a beard.